september's coming soon

Years and years ago, I took to bullet journaling and promptly fell into the, uh, aesthetic side of it which looks cute but is more like the new scrapbooking fad. I was never great at it at in any way, and at some point realised that keeping it minimalist was the only way I'd ever be productive about it.

I was also horrendously bad at both planning and at keeping up with it. I'm notoriously easy to distract and a chronic procrastinator. I could go weeks without remembering my BJ; I could have lists with three items and never cross out a single one of them.

Until a week ago.

After yet another week of half-done daily tasks lists, I made a list of some twenty things to get done over the weekend - most of them practical stuff around the house. And somehow, I did nearly all of them. Except for one (1) task I postponed for practical reasons and the two work-related things I'd noted, I did every one of those twenty-one things.

And this week, I've done all my daily tasks, and some others on top of it.

I have absolutely no idea what suddenly changed, because it's not as if I've done anything different. I'm still not as good at it at work as I am at home - possibly owing to the fact that a lot of this are purely practical things with visible and/or tactile results, whereas the work stuff is mostly correcting student work and administrative stuff all happening on a monitor. Still, I've been getting better at my to-do list there too.

One thing that might explain this, is that my previous lists were notoriously prone to self-improvement things like "draw for fifteen minutes" or "practice clarinet" and "write on X fic". Those kind of tasks are absent here - except for reading 30 minutes in a novel for my book club, which I should be doing RN. That, and plan first class tomorrow.

All the self-improvement stuff, the learning and the practicing, might be something I should introduce slowly, or maybe do a weekly habit tracker for. Because right now, I'd like to keep this bar so low that I might in fact make a habit out of just getting my daily lists out of the way, because it sure feels great.

I have not known enough Americans IRL to really tell how many of the stereotypes are true, but I'm ghosting my Noom coach because her faux friendliness makes me uncomfortable.

To my own defence, I'm there for the easy calorie counting and the categories of food which I mostly knew but are eye-opening for sure. I like the weight-tracking graph and the peppy ~psychology of weight loss~ lessons, desperately trying to be hip though they might be. It's very friendly and supportive, and I like it!

But the lady in the chat who is paid to talk about my ~goals~ lowkey freaks me out.

I'm honestly not entirely certain if it is her being all friendly with me. It is entirely on brand with the app itself, so the affected tone might just be the natural byproduct of stock phrases she's required to use during customer interaction. But god damn, it is so hard to take it seriously. I'm not here because of grand visions about my life and you're not my friend and frankly it's just creepy when you "can tell that I'm really motivated for this journey" because of some BS ~super goal~ the app required me to enter.

I put "look good in a waistcoat" as my ultimate goal because that was the most concrete thing I could think of in my rush to finish the sign-up. It's not that deep. I'm just overweight enough for it to border on unhealthy, I've thought of myself as fat ever since I was five (and patently wasn't), and I felt like finally doing something about it. I want to know I'm in the healthy bracket, I want a lighter body when I run, I'm tired of feeling like I can't wear cute clothes. My breasts are too tiny for my belly fat to be pretty. I've been doing 5:2 for years and dropped 10 kilo from that, but since I've been stuck at in the lower-to-mid seventies since 2015, I clearly need to do something with what I eat.

The "goal coach" feels like the embodiment of that stereotype about Americans and their therapists. It isn't like I don't want advice and encouragement, but the familiar adress is just so, so out of place. Look, Ashley, I'm a name and a profile pic and a questionaire and nothing more to you. You don't need to talk as if you're my guide to enlightenment. I appreciate your purpose and I wouldn't mind having some stranger pick my brain about it, normally, but I never asked for a personal lifestyle blogger. Please can you tone it down a little and treat me like a grown-up so that I'm not afraid to talk to you.

ETA: scrolled through my tag just to see what kind of stuff I'd put up there, and lo and behold, from march 2017:



Hah.

I'm really really really not religious, but a post-grad degree in literature teaches you things.

Writing a fic full of of Biblical allusions isn't particularly pretentious. That Hetalia fic that was just Finland and Norway hanging around and making commentary on pieces of history that probably most people even in the countries wouldn't catch? That was pretentious. The only reader I trust to have understood what it was about was the kudos left by a Scandinavia word who turned out to be Swedish when I checked the profile. The rest, presumably lacking the background knowledge the fic was discussing between the lines, would probably just read a kinda weird and kinda sinister NorFin friendship fic.

But mythological allegories in a fandom where canon is not particularly subtle about the mythological allusions?

Not pretentious, unless allegory is per definition pretentious.

But fandom isn't as deep as you all think and when I see allusions discussed at all, it's mostly just to point them out, much rarer in attempts to read them as narrative devices. We love fairy-tale crossovers or maybe artsy fic citing fairy-tales as blunt metaphors, but I yet to find fic where the meaning relies on allegory.

So of course that was what I went and did.

Said fic curently has three different reviews explaining that it left the reader crying in the middle of the night, which I guess says something about its length as a one-shot, but also that I really didn't need to worry about my clusmy use of litterary devices. Because even as I EXPLICITLY POINTED AT THEM IN THE NOTES, at least the audience that liked it enough to bother leaving comments was completely blind to the fact that a fic open to be read as a Christ allegory miiiiiiiight just also suggest a return from symbolic death. (alternatively: my writing simply isn't that great and the readers clever enough to have picked up on that had long since noped out or didn't think I needed encouragement to write more)

I don't fancy being the judge of my own writing, but I've sat through enough lectures to know that what I wrote would be blatantly obvious to any literary scholar worth their salt. I quoted the scripture verbatim twice and the Notre Dame was damn near omnipresent, and that put together with the canon connection to Mary and Joan of Arc would make it clear that yeah no, the references to Christianity in this fic are not incidental.

So I don't know which it is. In an age where faith is strictly personal, is it that people just don't expect to see a living religion used for purposes other than proselytising? Is it truly that foreign to see Christianity treated just like any other mythology? I mean, based on real, honest to god Christians I know, it's just very likely that even believers reading the fic completely missed out on the part where I turned Adrien into John the Baptist because god only knows I've had to discuss the Bible with enough people who believe a lot in a text that my atheist-raised-on-an-illustrated-children's-bible ass knows better than them.

Or just as likely: Fanfic Is Trash And That's Why You Should Read Novels That Aren't Genre Fiction. Yes there is really good fanfic out there no genre fiction isn't per definition bad but if you fancy yourself a writer then you should read good books too and I say this as a person who unabashedly read fic and loves fantasy most of all. I still won't shut up about the fact that almost all fanfic and most genre fiction I read do not aspire for subtlety.

Or allegory is just per definition pretentious, I guess.

Today was going to be the day when I did all my office work, prepared tomorrow, cleaned up everything, went to bed on time, woke up early to avoid the student rush on the bus and was well-rested and ready to face everything

Today was also the day when my Surface charger went, very quietly. One moment I see that the icon is running in battery when it should be running on AC. And I unplug it, I try a different soccet, I twist and push the parts where the copper inside is vulnerable.

It's still warm.

There's no sign of life.

Nobody seems to keep Surface chargers in stock in their actual stores anywhere, and my model isn't even sold any longer. The charger will have to be ordered online. Given where I live, delivery time will probable be sometime towards the end of the week if I'm lucky.

And sure, I've got my work laptop, but I also make a principle out of keeping fandom away from it. The most vital things I've saved to dropbox anyway. Even so, there's the option that the problem isn't the charger, but the power intake on the tablet.

So it looks like tonight's plans of an early bedtime will be postponed for the sake of getting out my external SSD and do a long overdue backup, and I guess I'll see you all on the other side.

"Pffft, everything is microwave safe these days", I assure myself as I stick the glass bowl straight outta the fridge into the mircrowave.

Let's just say I hope my mum isn't horribly attached to it.

My main fandom production is and has always been meta.

Of which maybe 1% ever got posted, presumably because I'm a wuss who don't like getting into arguments online or don't like upsetting people or whatever. I'm afraid to try and do estimates based on the sizes of the dozens of .txt documents saved in a carefully buried folder on an external hard drive. I've got fandom commentary going back to 2005 at least. There is a lot of it, and most of it is at least halfway finished, and got left behind as my fandom interest waned.

Today's topic included two drafts on a lengthy defence of the NO. 6 anime contra the novels (and technically the manga, but no-one ever brings up the manga in this discussion and we all know why). A long take on why Luka Coffaine is a shite character next to Kagami and why I'm not about to forgive that even IF he gets a personality outside his guitar next season (tl;dr amatonormativity). A near 2000 words of exploration of Chloé, Kagami, Lila and Alya in how they're placed around Marinette and around each other.

I was about ready to post that last one, in fact, because pointing out that "Lila" and "Alya" are near anagrams can't possibly upset people.

Point is, this was the results of my latest laptop decluttering a few months back, consisting of the pieces that were good enough and interesting enough to maybe be worth finishing and sharing. There were some 15 000 words on it. But GUESS WHAT GENUIS did something something with her shift and backspace button when she was trying to delete a few empty lines, and hit ctrl+s on instinct before se realised what she'd done.

What's left is some non-English tweet on subtitling practices that I wouldn't post anyway, and three lines of imaginary explanation on the topic of how Kino's NB status is definitely arguable but far from hard canon that I also wouldn't post anyway, because good god that is one discussion you can't win.

And, I mean. I probably wouldn't post that Luka piece, since my main beef with him isn't his existence so much what it says about or society that large parts of the fandom l o v e s him but is all "ew, Kagami" even though she's objectively a far better character. I'm not sure I'd do the NO. 6 piece either - I mean, it consisted of a separate preface about adaptation theory and that no, I don't in fact think the anime in particular is good but jesus christ, neither are the novels. The issue is that the fandom has recently got into reading a lot more meaning into said novels than I suspect they ever were supposed to have, and I don't particularly want to get into the it's-not-that-deep-fam debates with people who are political about them.

I remember the content of these essays well enough. I can re-trace them and make the same points, and at least that NO. 6 one, I can maybe get RIGHT rather than being torn between two pretty good but not perfect versions. And ultimately - what's the use of hauling around essays on fandom topics that nobody would ever read? I mean, I like going back to read them sometime, probably just becaues I like my own points. If nothing else, maybe this could be a lesson in having the courage to say things before the chance is gone.

Or maybe just something about using a file format that only allows for undoing one thing.

K: What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Yoshitaka Waya of Hikaru no Go.

Yeah, I know, you didn't notice; that's becaues it's really "blink and you'll miss it" beneath the main plot happening. And yeah, you're right, this is far from the most spectacular piece of character development happening in Hikago - that prize goes to the other half of my Hikago OTP, Isumi.

Ask me about "best character developtment EVER" and I'll probably name Impmon on Digimon Tamers and everything that is Fay D. Fluorite and Kurogane. Yoshitaka Waya just happens to be the one most important to me, because I found Waya to be such a relatable character.

Waya is relatable because in an environment of geniuses and top-league players, Waya is the hardworking everyman who is very good but not exceptional. His exact aspirations are unclear, beyond the fact that he wants to be a pro, and is satisfied with passing clearing that hurdle.

The thing that makes his arc truly hit home, is the fact that the one who sets it in motion is Ochi. Because we and Waya all think that Ochi is kind of a stuck-up jerk who is only there because his grandpa paid his way. And, you know, the entire bit about how Isumi's journey through loss and back to triumph would never have happened if not for Ochi, and we all know how Waya felt Isumi's faltering as keenly as we did as we read it. So yeah, Ochi. What a little bitch, right?

Except come the Hokuto Cup qualifications, Ochi suddenly proves himself to be twice the sportsman that Waya is. And in true Hikago tradition, the blows most keenly felt are the most trivial: Waya spends the first few runs calculating the strength of his opponents, relieved that he can qualify for the team without facing the strongest players. He doesn't, because Ochi barely beats him - and then Ochi, upon seeing Yashiro's skills, effectively resigns his place on the team by requesting a game against him to determine who is truly the stronger player. And Waya is so ashamed.

His "arc", as it is, requires a bit of special attention, because Waya's shamed admission to his own cowardice in contrast to Ochi's pride is more or less the last scene we see through his eyes - the story moves on to the Hokuto cup proper, and Waya is only seen in a few more scenes, and in the focus of even fewer. But let me point it out:

1. When Ochi and Yashiro play for the third spot on the team, Waya sits in on the game. There is absolutely no comment made about this, but we can surmise that he is at least there to observe Ochi's Go, possibly also to remind himself of how he would've been by far the weakest player on the team, had he beaten Ochi

2. He invites Ochi to his study group (and Kadowaki, another one of those top league players) and sets up a tournament - he is intentionally going out to face players so strong he knows he can't count on beating them

3. Yang Hai invites him to come study in China - you know, the place where Isumi was trounced by the grade-schoolers. Waya is clearly terrified. And then he says yes, anyway.

And it's so small, compared to everything else that happens in this story. It's just a shift in attitude towards a game. But in terms of life philosophy, it's momentuous - and because Waya is my favourite character, and because of how unflattering his initial attitude is, compared to everyone else around him, and because I think this is something I myself could've needed to learn had I been in the same situation, this turn is immensly satisfying, to me.

I: Has online caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

Not that I can recall. I've certainly stayed away from things because of obnoxious fandoms, but I've never left a fandom because of the idiots in it. The closest I ever had to that might've been an episode where some class act allegedly spent time on other fora talking about what a woman-hater I was for pointing out that canon was kind of sexist, and this brought on some not fun anon hate in that one LJ thread. I didn't leave the fandom, but I didn't stick my neck out for a while, and then I drifted into something new while the fandom moved over to tumblr, so I guess the end result was the same.

G: What was your first fandom?

The Pokémon anime, and specifically the Team Rocket-centered parts of it, at ca. 2000-2002. I eventually played the games and got a bit into the Adventures manga, but my main interest was was always the anime and the anime-adjacent manga (the one where Rocketshipping was canon, obviously). I eventually got more and more into the "twerps", and it was the home of the very first pairing that by all accounts was crack but which I found myself taking very seriously because it would be very adorable (ref. adrichat) - thirdwheelshipping AKA nevermetshipping AKA Brock/Tracey.

Yes, I had websites (yes, plural). And I'm old enough to be the original Eevee on both FFN and AO3 - but not DW. But sure enough, the username I ended up with was still very much oldskool Pokémon